Green Hills Guide (to the best conducted tour)

Robin S. Ngangon

Take your time and discover
The best about Manipur.

YEAR-LONG TOUR ITINERARY
October - February: During these months
of cherry blossoms and deep blue skies
we proudly announce the remote viewing
of bare-breasted native girls in their natural habitat.
Dark-maned, graceful, really chinky-eyed.
Binoculars recommended.
Olive green personnel restricted.
February-May: Exciting, memorable call-in
on real, live terrorists from bullet-proof
cable cars. This show is a favourite with children.
Children can actually touch the terrorists
who will also pose for photographs
with you and your family.
Bring anti-glare dark glasses.
Feeding prohibited.
Added attraction (5% extra)
A practical demonstration
of vandalism of a power station.
Book in advance.
June-September. Since visitors will be
rainbound during these months
a unique indoors local event is recommended.
See languid, sloe-eyed, unhappy (because
of constipation follwing a relentless
demand by their constituents) politicians
actually shitting rupees (coins & notes).
Fed and ably assisted by bureaucrats
who wash and launder the notes
during the painstaking process.
Due to frequent overdosing
children are not allowed to feed laxatives.

IMPHAL'S GROWING MUSEUM
Open throughout the year.
Among the rare exhibits are
seven bottles of fossilized liquor,
a national flag hoisted daily,
a stuffed replica of the canine family
Eaten to extinction by malnourished Meiteis,
native erotica,
A pack of sexy cards,
One Hero bicycle,
A gold & silver shaving kit
Of a star who died of Aids,
A minister's unprintable pet, & c.

Bandhs are heavily booked
Especially during the peak season
By non-governmental organizations.
We advise that programme Be booked in advance
To avoid disappointment.

Go ahead as you please about tickets
(tickets do not guarantee
an available bed or bullet-proof vests)

(from Indian Literature, May-June 2005)